It doesn’t matter how loud you scream. No one will hear you in 2024 unless you follow these exact steps.
Have you SEO‘d today?
I try to SEO at least once a day. Usually after breakfast and before walking my dog. If I can find time I like to SEO in the evenings after talking with my pastor. You may be asking yourself, “What is SEO? It can’t be Search Engine Optimization can it? Certainly that isn’t something we’re still doing.” But you would be wrong. SEO is Search Engine Optimization, and it is required if you want to be heard in the year 2024.
Look, we know that you have something to say. It’s evident. We can tell this just by looking at you — what with the maniacal grin and that hair — that hair! But if you aren’t optimized no one is going to hear what you have to say. Instead you’ll just be typing (or talking!) into a void of space and time, alone and sad.
But SEO doesn’t just happen. It is a methodical process by which all content on the internet is meticulously standardized so that it is most readable and ingestable by the robots that crawl the web looking for what people have to say. Your primary goal is for these robots to siphon up your words so that they can spit them back out in the form of capsule summaries which may direct readers (or listeners, or viewers! Any -ers!) back to you so that you can finally be heard. And then you will be content.
The first place to start is always with a new H2 subhead.
No one is alone when they break up their thoughts into clearly defined sections.
You don’t want to just go to the internet and start spraying words all over the place. The robots don’t like that, and the people the robots direct to those words also do not like that. We know this because the robots have stats about it out back.
Make sure your thoughts are clear and concise, but not short! Robots know that humans want to see large blocks of highly scannable text that creates the illusion of authority. For example, lets say you’re a professor of 17th Century European literature and you would like to write a blog post that summarizes your dissertation on Marianna Alcoforado’s Letters of a Portuguese Nun. Obviously, your years spent toiling in higher education has made you something of an expert on the subject, but how is the robot supposed to know that? Robots spend their free time scanning the open web for sub-heads and ignoring robot.txt files — they don’t know Alcoforado from Fletcher. So it is your job to convince them that you know what you’re talking about.
That convincing happens with sub-heads and concise paragraphs, not with endless words and facts. One approach that many successful people who have had their voices not only heard but amplified have discovered is that sometimes your expertise isn’t even really what the robot is looking for.
Were you aware that more people use the internet to get answers to simple questions than those looking for knowledge on esoteric subjects like 17th Century European Literature? It sure puts all of that education in perspective, doesn’t it? In fact, what if your blog was less about deep dives into Samuel Pepys and more about something useful, like the best cooler to take to a tailgate party. People that know the best of something are people whose voices get to be heard. Heck, I’m going to go find one right now!
The Best Cooler to take to a Tailgate Party
It’s that time of year again when the weather is getting crisp and the smell of freshly cut grass is matched with the smell of freshly inflated football: tailgate season! But after you pull your Chevrolet Silverado diagonally across two parking spaces at the Capital Express Lube and Oil Stadium, you’ve got to find a place to put all of your ice and canned beverages. Well, our extensive testing and research has concluded that the Pelican 45QT Elite Wheeled Cooler is the best cooler on the market for a tailgate party. We tested over 27 different models ranging from the light-weight Ice Sack by Galeco to the tricked out Ice Sack Pro by Liberty Cooling Co. Our tests involved putting canned beverages in the cooler and then adding ice. The most successful coolers, such as the Pelican 45QT Elite were able to keep the drinks cool and also kept the ice relatively frozen. The least successful (Ice Sack by Galeco) proved to be nothing more than two stitched together pieces of burlap. They didn’t keep the drinks cold and the ice melted almost immediately.
But don’t just take our word for it. Many other sites have reviewed coolers as well.
Don’t forget about Amazon affiliate links on your Cooler recommendations.
It’s one thing to post cooler reviews on the internet so that you can finally, at long last, be heard. But it’s hardly going to pay the bills. Luckily, one of the world’s largest corporations is offering a way for your to turn those words into dollars. It’s call Amazon Associates and now you’re not just a cooler pitchman whose voice is definitely heard, but now you’re a small business owner collecting commissions off of all of those Pelican 45QT Elite coolers! It is such a better life than the time you were sleeping on a mattress on the floor while while working on your doctorate in 17th Century European Literature. To think of all of the coolers you could have sold — hundreds even.
There may come a time when coolers are no longer the most important thing in your life. A time when you think about how finally people are listening to you and how you have so much other stuff to say and you decide to branch out. Maybe you have some thoughts on printers or perhaps you just happen to notice that the price of last years iPad is now at its lowest price since Black Friday. Perhaps you can incorporate one or both of these into your blog. As long as you’re using your sub-heads and including your Amazon affiliate links, you can post this information to the internet and the robots will make sure that your words are seen by other robots and perhaps even people.
Is it even possible to do all of this without knowing the 34 best movies that are streaming on Netflix this month?
No, it is not. Be sure to put this on your blog too, even if you aren’t really sure if In Time is worth including over Seven Pounds — maybe it’s a tie, maybe you get crazy and bump the list up to 35 movies. It’s your blog, you decide! Just be sure the results don’t get too crazy and that your post-title has the month and year in it so that the robots know that your list is both informational and current.
Let’s not get too wild though, OK?
You’ve done it! You’re on the internet and you’re finally heard! Your voice is now important! It’s not like all of those other peoples voices — the ones that don’t matter The ones that the robots just skip right over. But with your newfound success and influence, you need to remember that the whole reason you’re putting words on the internet in the first place is so that the robots can attach targeted ads next to those words and marketers can reach the specific audiences that they want to reach. Audiences that are desperate to be reminded of the lamp they bought two weeks ago for the next four months. Advertisers love consistency and they hate controversy. This means that while you now have this voice, you need to make sure that it doesn’t waver. You need to stay the course and suppress the things that make you, you.
After all, no one actually wants to hear what you have to say about everything (or even most things). They just want to know what cooler to buy and where to find cheap iPads, and what movies they can watch during the current month.
Your success is contingent on making sure that the internet as a whole does not waver from the instruction above. Every post needs to be basically the same. Robots need to know that they aren’t going to get curve-balls. That way, when readers go looking for information and see the same things over and over, it creates a unified truth that we can all live by.
We’re in this together people! We can show the robots that yes, we are able to adhere to their requirements for words on webpages. We can be rewarded for selling coolers. And most of all, we can finally be heard and know that our voice matters.
But really we just gotta keep moving these coolers. There is a whole warehouse of these fuckers down in Lafayette and they ain’t gonna sell themselves. So get to it!